Her Pain is My Pain!

My Pain!

The day slowly passed and I found myself on the phone with Peerapong. "I don’t know… I don’t know whether to tell Ploypailin or not." I said. "Why wouldn’t you?" Peerapong said. "She told me about previous experiences when her close friends had come out to her." "And?" "And she said, it made her feel awkward and stuff. And that all she wants is friendship from those guys, and she could never really look at them the same after that. She said they all stopped being friends." "So… So if you tell her… If you tell Ploypailin… You think she won’t be your friend anymore?" I paused. "Yeah. Probably. I mean, when I look at her, I don’t see a friend. I see more than that, a person who I want to spend forever with, and who I want to die with. Don’t you think she might be scared off a bit by me saying that?" "Dude, you’re making me sick with all the mushy-mushy crap. But I don’t know, I mean you’re the one who knows her personally." "Yeah I do. Maybe I shouldn’t know her, maybe it’s best if she was gone." "What do you mean?" "I mean she’s all I want! I rejected two beautiful girls in the last week - while they were talking to me, all I was thinking about was her." "Dude, you know you’re stupid right?" "Shut up, man. Can’t you see that I have no choice? I mean, her friendship means the world to me, but how am I expected to ever fall in love if she’s always on my mind? It’s either win, or survive if I tell her. But if I wait for her to possibly, eventually make a move on me, it’s win or lose." "That’s some deeps*** right there man." "Yeah well, I’m the one who needs to step in it." "So what are you going to do?" "I was hoping you’d tell me." "Why me?" "So if you tell me to tell her then I can blame it on someone when she rejects me." "Heh heh… That’s what friends are for… I guess… Man, just suck it up and tell her, I can’t stand seeing you like this." A few minutes pass as I stare a hole through the setting sun. "Alright, I’ll tell her… Tomorrow, before class. She’s always the first one there." "And you’ll be the second? Wow, new record for you." "Heh." "Man, I’m here for you, alright? No matter what happens tomorrow." "Thanks man." With the knowledge that I have Peerapong as a safety cushion if I fail, I can start tomorrow with so much confidence. I make it through the night, not a second spent with my eyes closed.
Once I approach the classroom I stare at her through the door window, the only barrier between myself and relief, she looks up and waves. "Oh god she’s so beautiful." Did I just say that out loud?! She obviously saw my lips moving because of the curious expression on her face. I slip inside and close the door. I slightly bang my head on the glass and breathe a sigh in hopes to terminate the vast nervousness in my veins from what I am about to do. "Hey you." She speaks with words so soft. Silently approaching her, I take another breath and look into her eyes, standing my ground in between her and her escape. "I…I can’t…" "Can’t what?" She says. "I’m sorry." "Wh – what?" "I’m sorry… If you misinterpreted us… What we have… Our friendship." She looks me in the eye with a curious, confused expression. "I just… I can’t… stop thinking about you. You’re in my mind all day and I love it and I hate it and… and I just… needed you to know, I guess." Something told me the moment was over, but I knew better… Still with a confused expression, she forms her lips in response. "Don’t speak." I said. "Just – I can’t… I can’t do anything! I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I can’t even talk straight… It’s painful, knowing that you don’t know. You’re just this big… thing… growing and growing by day, taking over my mind and I just can’t do anything… about it. I just… I just needed to tell you, so maybe it could… maybe it could stop." It’s amazing, I was never able to look at any girl straight in the eyes for an entire conversation. But emptying my deepest thoughts to her was so much easier as I was drowning myself in her eyes. I looked down, as staring to the ground was a safe haven for me my entire life. But I’m not playing it safe anymore, my father once told me that courage is connected to the eyes, as your eyes fall to the ground, your courage falls with it. Not about to lose my courage, I slowly raise my eyes back to hers. And after noticing her knees frozen solid, I continue: "I look at some other girl, a girl who’s beautiful and - and nice and is everything any guy would be looking for and I don’t feel a thing for her. All I can think about is you. I’m just… in love… with you. And I know you don’t feel the same way but I just… It just needed to get out." After a pause in time she moves toward the exit, but my instinct takes over and I grab her shoulders with my palms. "Wha – What are you doing? Let go, let… Go… LET GO!" She screams with tears as I wrap my arms around her backside and bring my lips to her ear. "Listen to me, please! If you… If you feel about me like I feel about you, you have to let me know! You have to. Because what I’m feeling for you doesn’t deserve to be wasted on a missed opportunity." After ten seconds of silence, she pushes through my heart and goes for the doorknob as my life fills with silence. Silence. Nothing. No more pain… Not now. But she’s still here, I can feel her, but I can’t look back. I’m telling myself I can’t look back. It’s her choice. After seconds that seem like days pass me by, I hear a distant movement. She sprints towards me and turns me around with such ferocity I could never see it coming. Her mouth meets with mine and suddenly I feel the grinding of our teeth in the most sensitive nerves of my body. She grabs my collar and pulls me even closer to the point where I can’t breathe. We finally depart from one another by inches, which seem like miles after that sensational experience. Still speechless, she looks into my eyes and shakes her head, turns, and runs out the door. Any word I could have used to stop her escaped me. I don’t know what that was. I don’t know what to feel. I blink and I find myself outside the class, my legs in full motion in pursuit of the soul I just connected with. By this time the other students are on their way up to the door, with the teacher following close behind them. My body still semi-numb, I clip a student as I leap down the stairs, I hear a crash but I don’t look back. I instinctively mumble half of an apology but there’s no way he heard me. "Ploypailin Ploypailin Ploypailin!!" She goes from a fast walk to a mild sprint, but soon she caves in as I continue yelling her name. I see her standing there, swaying from side to side and stumbling like a drunk. She falls to the ground in slow motion, I reach out but my nails barely graze the tips of her dark brown hair as she hits the pavement. I turn her over and notice her eyes closed, I – I don’t know what to do. What do I do? Tell me. I scream. "HELP!! ME!!" I scream: "SOMEBODY!!" I look at her closed eyes, I scream louder: "HELP!!" I look at her pretty face, I scream louder: "ANYBODY!! AHHHH!!!" I hear footsteps. The rest of the day is a blur. All I remember are the sirens wailing in the distance, and yet, silence is all I hear.
The following two days of class meant nothing to me, I was called upon several times and ignored everything the teacher said or asked. My eyes were glued on her empty desk three feet in front of me, wishing I could smell the delicious scent of her hair, like I had done every day previous to this one. I was in love. I was in love with a leukemia victim who has no feelings whatsoever to me. Why? Why am I tortured like this? And why am I so selfish to think of myself right now when she’s the sick one? I should bring her flowers. I should bring her something. I should see her. No. I shouldn’t. I can’t get attached. I can’t get attached. I can’t. I can’t. Damn. I already am, aren’t I? "Mom! I’m going out! I’ll be back late!" I yelled. No response. Figures. I took the roses off my dresser and leaped down the stairs, and opened the door. There she was. Soaked, smiling, her fist in the air ready to knock on the door I just opened. "Ploypailin.." I nearly fainted. I dropped the roses, I didn’t even notice. I reached out my empty hand, positioned as if I was holding something, right into her face. "These… These are for you." "Aww.." She laughed and picked the flowers up from the ground. "Thank you!" "Yeah.. Yeah no problem." She smiled again. Then she threw the flowers over her head, pulled my shirt and kissed me, exactly like she had done before. Surprised and confused, I pulled away. "But – but I thought…" "I’m in love with you!" She said, loud enough the neighbors peeked out the window. "I just – I just couldn’t tell you before. I couldn’t stand for you to see me like I am. If the worst happens, I can’t stand you being miserable. But you were right… You were right… and what I’m feeling for you doesn’t deserve to be wasted on a missed opportunity. The truth is, I’ve loved you ever since you spoke to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you at the hospital… I’m sorry… I just couldn’t. I couldn’t put you through it, and I shouldn’t put you through it. But I’m in love with you. And I just needed you to know -." I lunged at her and embraced her lips with mine before she could finish talking. Our mouths were glued together as we walked towards my bedroom. Leaving a trail of clothes behind the sounds of our footsteps on the creaking, wooden floor.